Do Narcissists Enjoy Kissing?
Written by: alexanoelle.
Kissing is an intimate activity shared between lovers to express feelings and emotions. It is a way of showing your romantic partner that you love them, as well as receiving love from them in an act of total connection.
For that reason, it is worth asking whether narcissists are capable of enjoying something like kissing since they are known to lack empathy and thus struggle with true connection to others. If narcissists primarily behave in calculated ways geared toward advancing their agenda, is their kiss forced and unnatural? Do narcissists enjoy kissing? And how can you tell if you are kissing a narcissist?
WHAT IS A NARCISSIST?
A narcissist is someone driven by their own ego and vanity. They idealize themselves in ways that include perfectionism, self-flattery, and arrogance. Arrogance is usually one of the key hallmarks of a narcissist.
Narcissists often struggle with finding true love because they are too infatuated with themselves. On the contrary, narcissists tend to derive enjoyment from exploiting others to exaggerate their own self-importance, and they are usually very envious individuals.
Though their characteristics seem to be a dramatic extreme of human behavior, narcissists are not always easy to spot. They are more complex than that and tend to be tricky individuals. They are extremely manipulative and are known for their ability to make you believe they are better – kinder, more sympathetic, etc. – than they actually are.
NARCISSISTS AND ROMANCE
So what does the love life of a narcissist look like? First of all, it is important to know that everything about a narcissist is faked and fabricated. They resist showing their true feelings and emotions, and typically they’ve had a deeply rooted fear of intimacy since childhood. Unfortunately, most narcissists did not grow up in a nurturing or loving environment, and perhaps were even abused, and so they lack trust and don’t always know how to treat others properly.
The facade they hide behind tends to be the result of wanting to preserve their reputation and image. Otherwise, they feel naked and exposed, worrying that people won’t like or accept them if they show who they really are. So they create a mask to hide behind, and they stop at nothing to make sure their mask is always perfectly intact. Deep down they are ashamed of who they are, so they create the persona they want and keep the real one buried deep.
This background can provide significant context when thinking about how narcissists approach to love and their romantic partners. Relationships are all about trust, openness, and vulnerability, so narcissists are at a huge disadvantage from the start since these traits are not part of the way they live or present themselves to others.
Due to their lack of empathy, narcissists have a hard time feeling for others when they are in pain. They have challenges relating to people in an authentic way because they can’t put themselves in another person’s shoes. When they treat their partners badly, they are not able to feel sympathy or even sense that they have crossed a boundary. This is part of why relationships with narcissists can be so problematic.
KISSING A NARCISSIST
With all the context about how narcissists approach their love lives and how they relate (or struggle to relate) to their romantic partners, it is easy to see why a narcissist might have a difficult time with kissing. To break it down a bit further, here are some of the specific reasons why kissing is a challenge for narcissists:
1- They struggle to show their true self
Kissing is an act of vulnerability, giving and take, and ultimately of openness with another person. There is no hiding during a kiss. You are giving yourself to your partner and you are receiving them in return.
Narcissists are inherently manipulative and are not typically capable of real vulnerability. They are not willing to show – much less give – their true selves to another person, making this aspect of kissing very difficult if not impossible for them.
2- They have no concept of security
Narcissists aren’t thinking about security or longevity when they’re in a relationship. They want to keep you on your toes, and the last thing they want is for you to feel secure in your relationship with them. Remember, they want to be above you, they believe they are better than you and they need to perpetuate this feeling in order to protect themselves. This means they have a vested interest in keeping you feeling insecure. When
partners kiss, they are giving a degree of security to one another, allowing the other to accept and rest in the assuredness of their love. Narcissists don’t want you to feel comfortable, so this aspect of kissing does not apply to them.
3- They need to be in control
Narcissists hate losing control, and feeling out of control tends to make them extremely angry and upset. They need to control people and their surroundings – including the person they are in a relationship with. This is the only way they are able to maintain a sense of security about themselves. Everyone who has experienced a good, meaningful kiss knows that there is an element of giving up control, of allowing yourself to fall for the other person as they fall for you. Narcissists are incapable of this. It scares them. They have no interest in giving up control. And this means they are missing out on the best part of kissing.
4- They think they are better than others
In order for a narcissist to function, they need to perpetuate their internal belief that they are superior to those around them, including (and perhaps even especially) their romantic partner. They need to feed their impression that no one else is on their level, no one is their equal. Kissing, on the other hand, is an expression of accepting your partner as your equal – as someone worthy of yourself and your love – and perhaps even someone you admire and strive to emulate in some ways. Kissing is a powerful statement and a declaration that you have given yourself in some way to the recipient. We would not do this if we did not genuinely view our partner as an equal. This is a big no-no for narcissists. They cannot admit that another person is equal, so this aspect of kissing is completely lost on them.
5- They won’t admit they have feelings
This is a big one when it comes to romance because successful relationships are all about having feelings and admitting it. Naturally, everyone has feelings about whether they want to or not. But narcissists like to hide that part of themselves because they are stuck in the belief that feelings equal weakness, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Could you imagine kissing someone while denying your emotions? It wouldn’t be much fun at all. You would be stuck in your head, thinking instead of enjoying it. This is another reason why kissing likely has no real draw for the narcissist.
6- They lack sympathy and empathy
You know that weirdo who laughs during a sad movie when everyone else is crying? This is called a lack of sympathy. Or when something terrible has just happened in your life and the person you’re confiding in just doesn’t seem to care, or to even grasp why the event is troubling you. This is someone who does not have empathy. A narcissist is a person who doesn’t bother with anything that doesn’t directly concern or impact them, so they have no time for listening to you vent about your parents’ divorce, or your recent job loss, or your sick dog. This may seem unrelated to kissing, but kissing is inherently relational and is an expression of closeness. So if a narcissist isn’t capable of feeling close to another person or engaging in the types of conversations that lead to closeness, how could a narcissist possibly get anything out of kissing?
SO, DO NARCISSISTS ENJOY KISSING?
Now that we’ve explored the mind of the standard narcissist and how they tend to view romance and relationships, it is easy to see why a narcissist would get nothing out of kissing. Between their lack of empathy, their superiority complex, their resistance toward having feelings and being vulnerable, and a whole host of other factors, there is nothing for a narcissist to enjoy about kissing, because they are incapable of appreciating the things that make kissing enjoyable in the first place.
If you or someone you know is in a relationship with a narcissist, one telltale sign is that their kiss might feel empty or fake. They may avoid kissing altogether, or it may seem as though they are trying to get it over with. These are good signs that you might be kissing a narcissist. This is something you will want to be aware of, and subpar kissing is not the only reason that being in a relationship with a narcissist is dangerous territory.