Stages Of A Breakup For The Dumper
Written by: youtruthwriter
When you enter into an intimate relationship, you tend to do it without the thought “How am I going to break up with this person.” You feel optimism, positivity, joy, and thoughts of “what could be.” But what do you do if things do not turn out for the way you expected? What do you do when the joy fades? What do you do when you aren’t feeling respected or appreciated? You take steps to break up with the person. Depending on what caused you to break up with the person, will determine how long it takes you to get over them. Today we’re going to discuss the stages of a breakup for the dumper, to better understand how to emotionally and psychologically cope post-relationship.
If you just broke up with your partner, you most likely did it for one of the following reasons – You weren’t feeling appreciated, you weren’t feeling respected, you were feeling as if you were being taken advantage of, or maybe you were being abused. Any of these thoughts and/or feelings are sufficient enough reasons for you to cut the cord, step back, away, from the person, and find out what the next chapter of your life will be – But what will the first stage of this next life chapter look like – Relief!
Letting that person go, breaking up with that person, whom you shared an emotional bond with, will at first, give you a sense of relief. You will feel like a 10-ton weight has just been removed from your back, and it will be a great feeling. You will feel more at ease, more relaxed, more joyful and energized. Other emotions you may feel during this stage are anger (maybe even intense anger) and satisfaction. If the person you broke up with, intentionally caused you a lot of pain (whether emotionally, and/or physically) you will most likely feel anger, satisfaction, and relief, according to many dating experts. If the person did not intentionally hurt
you, but still did (or said things) that made you feel sad, and/or uneasy, and/or drained, then your emotions will be more on the side of “satisfaction & relief” after the break-up.
And depending on the length of time that the relationship took place, will determine how long you will be in this post-breakup stage, and feeling this sense of relief. For longer relationships, this post-breakup stage can take anywhere around 6 months
(sometimes even longer). Whereas, after ending shorter relationships, you will usually be in this relief stage for around 1 – 3 months. Many dating experts also suggest going no-contact with your ex during this stage. They say that this stage tends to go by quicker in if you have no communication with the person you dumped.
After going through a post-breakup period, where you feel a sense of relief, you will begin to feel “excitement.” This feeling of excitement will begin to arise once you realize that you no longer have the responsibilities that came with the relationship. You no longer have the feeling that you have to abide by an “agreed upon” relationship code. You no longer have to worry about where the other person is at or what the other person is doing – “You feel free.” This excitement will have you wanting to meet new people, and go out with friends, that you may not have hung out with, in a while. You may want to go to parties and will want to have more fun. It will feel like a celebration.
How you carry yourself (and the activities you take part in) during this stage, will work as a distraction to take your mind off of all of the negative things that occurred during your relationship. You will find yourself taking part in activities that you may not have tried during your relationship, but may have had an urge to. And/or you will visit places that you had the urge to during your relationship, but because of the relationship codes you agreed upon, you did not.
These distractions will work as a stress reliever. They will allow you to release all of the built-up negative energy and tension that you held in during your relationship. The release will feel like therapy. During this excitement stage, depending on the length of time that the relationship took place, will determine how long you will be in this post-breakup stage, and feeling this sense of emotional liberation. For longer relationships, this post-breakup stage can take anywhere around 3 – 12 months (sometimes longer). Whereas, after ending shorter relationships, you will usually be in this excitement stage for around a month.
After you feel the relief of getting out of a stressful relationship, and you feel the excitement of your freedom, and you start to have fun like you never had before, your emotions will run higher, and higher. Once you come down from your positive emotional high, your mind will start to wonder, and your thoughts will begin to race back and forth, You will begin to feel all types of negative emotions as you play the relationship back in your head, and you will become sad…
During this sadness stage, as you play the relationship back in your head, you will have all types of contradicting thoughts. One moment you will think “I really want to have a long conversation with a trusted friend about the things that occurred in my last relationship” and the next moment you will think “I really don’t feel like talking to anyone right now.” One moment you will think “I want to go to the gym and work out, and release some of this built up energy,” the next moment you will think, “I don’t even want to leave my bed.”
The sadness that you feel during this stage, will go up and down, as one moment your thoughts are pointing towards your ex as the reason for the break-up, and the next moment, your thoughts point at you. Relationship experts say that this stage is very normal after leaving an intimate relationship. They say it is part of the overall healing process, and should not be a cause for concern by you or your loved ones unless you begin to have suicidal thoughts, in which case you should seek out the immediate help of a licensed therapist to assist you through your tough time. During this sadness stage, depending on the length of time that the relationship took place, will determine how long you will be in this post-breakup stage, and feeling this sense of emotional confusion and mild depression. For longer relationships, this post-breakup stage can take anywhere around 6 – 24 months (sometimes even longer). Whereas, after ending shorter relationships, you will usually be in this sadness stage for around 1 – 3 months.
During this stage, emotions of regret begin to arise. You start to think a lot about the positive things your expartner did, and the negative things begin to fade to the back of your mind…You start to miss them. If you started seeing someone new, you will begin comparing your ex-partner to this new person, by your (or a friend’s) relationship standards, and principals, to see if they hold up. If they do, this stage will go a lot smoother, but if they do not, this stage will become a whole lot more difficult to handle.
If you were in an abusive relationship, relationship experts say that it is important, when you begin to miss your ex-partner, that you remind yourself of the negative treatment that you received. And that leaving the relationship, was you showing yourself the most love and respect you possibly could, and you should applaud yourself for it, and do your best to realize that you made the right decision by leaving.
During this regretful stage, depending on the length of time that the relationship took place, will determine how long you will linger here, and feeling this sense of regret that starts to plague your mind. For longer relationships, this post-breakup stage can take anywhere around 3 months to a year (sometimes longer). Whereas, after ending shorter relationships, you will usually be in this regretful stage for around 3 – 6 weeks.
This fifth stage will be the toughest, according to relationship experts. This is the stage where your curiosity begins to build up, and you start to think more and more about your ex; what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, where they’re at, what they’re doing. With these urges, you may find yourself visiting places that they go to regularly (Whether physical locations or different social media sites), just to see if you are still on their mind’s, to see if you are still influencing their feelings and actions from afar.
But relationship experts say that if you give in to this temptation and forget about the reasons for your leaving in the first place, you
can begin a dangerous cycle, where you find yourself in an unhealthy, on-again, off-again, relationship with your ex-partner – Which can have an extremely negative effect on your overall future. During this curiosity stage, depending on the length of time that the relationship took place, will determine how long you spend here, and having these curiosity feelings pulling at your emotional heartstrings. For longer relationships, this post-breakup stage can take anywhere from around 6 months to 18 months (sometimes even longer). Whereas, after ending shorter relationships, you will usually be in this regretful stage for around 1 month.
When you break up with a lover, do your best to make sure you are leaving the relationships for the right reasons, and that you truly feel that the relationship can not be fixed, and cannot be worked out. If you have doubts about leaving the relationship, seek the advice of trusted friends or family (possibly a relationship therapists) to see if your reasons for wanting to leave the relationship are logical. If your reasons for exiting the relationship are logical, understand that, if you had a strong emotional connection with the person that you are separating from, the healing process will “first” come in stages, and “second,” take time. Having the support of close family and friends to keep your will strong, will be very useful in getting you through each stage, and if at any point of your healing process, you have thoughts about hurting yourself, pick up the phone, call a friend, call a family member, call a therapist. It’s alright to seek out help through these types of challenging life moments.