8 Reasons Why do breakups hurt even when you wanted it?
Written by: Rhonavc
Are you feeling hurt like your heart is about to explode? Do you have sleepless nights that you end up sleeping in tears? Do alcohol and food-binging give you a temporary relief that leaves you numb after? Does the rainy day or sad song make you cry a bucket of tears? Or, are you someone who feels a sense of relief or freedom after breaking free from a toxic relationship? You are not alone and such as the manifestations of people who have been hurt and heartbroken. Regardless of the reason, why do breakups hurt even when you wanted it?
Breaking up is like the worst nightmare after having the best dream. Falling in love is one of the best things that can happen to anyone. Whether in the course of your relationship, you fall out of love or the person cheated on you, a breakup will always break you apart. Even in those instances where you feel lonely even when you are not alone, there is still that thug inside your heart. That gnawing feeling that something is amiss as if you have cravings that are left unsatisfied.
A recent neurophysiology study shows that relationship break-ups affect a particular part of the brain that is linked to reward and addiction. In the same token, it is the same part of the brain that gets activated when you are in pain. Scientifically speaking, break-ups cause the same repulsion of having gone through physical hurt or going through withdrawal from addiction.
Breakup leads to physical pain
Break up is a form of social rejection that causes specific chemical components in our body, such as dopamine and serotonin, to drop. The chemical changes trigger our craving for pleasure and happiness that were once activated through these chemicals. Such chemical imbalances lead to stress. Stress, as we know of, is one of the culprits for most of the sicknesses in the world. When left unmanaged can complicate heart disease, hypertension, or even worst stroke.
Breakups cause mental breakdowns
Humans, by nature, are social beings. And breakups are a form of social abandonment that deviates from the norm or how individuals are wired. In the attempt to “fix” or “avoid” the same circumstance from happening again, a human’s default reaction is to look for logical explanations of why the relationship failed. Unfortunately, the answer is not as definite as to when you put the chemicals Ammonia and Bleach together; you create Toxic Chloramine Vapors which is terrible for the people around. When the rationale does not work, you tend to overthink or over analyze that can cause depression.
So, when you feel like your health is at risk, time to reflect and start taking care of yourself. No partner would want a needy partner or someone with a “victim mentality.” Check with a doctor or professional if you must to avoid any further damage.
Breakups feel like a loss of investment
Whether it be a short or long term relationship, the truth is you invested time and energy when you enter into a relationship. Studies show that women tend to invest more in relationships due to the higher stake at risk. Women tend to choose their partners more carefully than men do, which explains why the former feel emotionally and physically drained after a breakup. In financial terms, it is like investing your money in the stock market that suddenly plummeted and went bankrupt.
In any relationship, you are expected to give and take. When someone leaves, it is like they took a part of you with them that can never be filled by anyone else. Starting all over again from scratch is one of the hardest things to do. But, you know you have to start somewhere.
Breakups cause guilt
Especially for the person who does the deed of breaking up, guilt can surface when you are not over the relationship yet. Instances when due to compatibility issues or career prioritization, you end up breaking up with a “good partner” can lead some individuals to regret their action. Even individuals who let their ego come before their relationship are not free from guilt. The effect may not be immediate as the emotionally invested partner, but once the reality sinks in guilt surfaces. The gnawing silence of guilt causes mental and emotional anguish that is hard to deal with.
There is no perfect time for breakups. Nor is it easy to hurt anyone at all even if you were the first one at the receiving end. A pot that has also been broken if mended with gold will forever leave a mark. This is the reason why some people try to shield their hearts from being hurt once again, trying to find the answers to the endless “What if” questions.
There is no right or wrong decision in breaking up with someone. You are responsible for all the consequences of your actions. Guilt is a validation that this person has a special place in your heart and that you are still human. Use the blame to make you a better human.
Breakup lowers self-esteem
Even for instances where breakups are forthcoming such as endless arguments and one partner cheated, the effect on the other partner who ends the relationship goes through a roller coaster ride. When one cheats, it leaves uncertainty on the other partner, making them feel worthless, unloved and distrust. This is when expectation and reality collide. When two people enter into a relationship, there are certain expectations from each other — expectations when not met result in disputes and mistrust.
Leaving a relationship where you exerted effort to sustain can leave you empty to the point of not knowing who you are without your partner. These cause people to have trust issues when entering another relationship, causing them to be cautious in everything they do.
Come to think of it, how fast did you recover from a partner who cheated on you? Especially for married couples where properties and children are involved, a divorce could leave a lasting effect on the individual. Not to mention the anguish that they have to go through while filling up forms asking to disclose your current marital status. In some ways, it becomes an identity rather than just a usual heartbreak that couples go through.
Even science has found an explanation of why breakups hurt. As good as the explanation, there is a definite time when these symptoms pass. Breakups should never be taken lightly as the effect is different with each person. Knowing this, here are some tips on how you can overcome feelings of loneliness and hurt that comes after a heartbreak:
1. Feel the feeling. Cry if you must and let the emotions fill you. As the cliche goes, it is better to love than to not have loved at all. Even if that loved caused your heart to be broken into pieces.
2. Find someone to talk to. Friends and families are your emotional 911. Don’t hesitate to dial this lifeline to help you heal the brokenness in your heart and soul.
3. Embrace change. Breakups can disrupt your daily routine, especially when your partner has been pitching in to help you. Instead of insisting to get to the same schedule you have been used to, this is the perfect time to reflect on your daily task, which you should continue and must forego. Accept the change and embrace it, who knows what is lurking in the corner.
4. Love yourself. For sure, there are certain activities that you have to forego to accommodate your partner’s needs and wants. This is the time to put yourself on the frontline. Fill your love tank. You can’t give what you do not have.
5. Know your worth. While it is hard to understand why individual relationships did not work, it does not mean you are a failure. A failed relationship should not define you but look at it as an experience where you can learn. Understanding your worth as a person creates a high standard help you to avoid the same pitfall. You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are enough.
6. Follow your dreams and explore your hidden skills. Find that one thing that sets your heart on fire. Reflect on thoughts or activities that make you forget about time and brings forth a sense of fulfillment like no other.
7. Let your spirituality fill you in. While it is true that each person who walks out of your life carries they take a part of you with them that can never be filled by anyone else BUT YOU. The question is not about the person that completes you but understanding the fact that before anyone else, Someone loved you despite and in spite of. Having faith in difficult circumstances makes a difference in how you deal with your everyday life. Let your faith fill you in until your love tank overflows.
8. Start all over again. Being alive is a reason in itself that there is hope and love is waiting for you. Time indeed heals the broken heart. Allow yourself to love all over again as it is still, in fact, the best feeling in this world.